We are just about to the end of my memoir, my exercise in revisiting each chapter and sharing my thoughts a year after publication. I begin this chapter reciting a dream I had. Luka is not in this one but upon awakening I felt that there was a connection to her in this dream although the details did not match our life together. It seemed more of a fear of the future sort of dream and what could happen as time marches on.
I will let you figure that out.
I have my memories…
The few pictures I have are of a young woman, and those are the images in my mind. I know she would like very different today if she had stayed. I am glad the images and the memories remain. However, therein lays the fallacy of our memories.
Chapter 21, page 180, Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry
The memories have morphed over time, some are fainter now others still glow in brilliant intense colors. All stored safely, at least I think so, in my still able mind.
What about things said and unsaid, words spoken and those that were not?
I often, and still to this day, keep my mouth shut when I should speak up. Especially when it is to offer a word of encouragement or support. How easily in my defense I default to this.
So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.~Job 2:13, NASB
Which only serves to commute my sin momentarily. But as someone who has been through the valley of the shadow of death, holding the hand, and watching as your young spouse dies, I can truly say there are no words that suffice.
Grief and grieving well, while often improbable is possible, is tremendously hard. I pushed my own grief aside, buried it, ran from it, and tried to ignore it for many, many years.
With love comes loss. With joy comes sorrow. With life comes death.
It is as it must be. it is being broken while they are still here. Sad that they are leaving and telling them that you do not want them to leave. It is sitting in silence of unhappiness with them about what life has thrown at you. We proceed forward with heart and hope despite our troubles and lack of understanding. I am still learning this.
I was innocent when death and grief came knocking. There is so much to learn, and no one had ever told me about this.
Chapter 21, page 185, Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry
> If you are struggling with moving forward following the death of a loved on and searching for your best Life After please leave a comment or email me at in**@ma**********.com.
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I am Mark W. Schutter, Life After Coach and Author of the memoir, Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry, and we all need someone to ride alongside of us at times.
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Read my thoughts on previous chapters of my memoir, links below.
Part 1 – Reconciling the Past
- Revisiting Chapter 1, Out of the Sun
- Revisiting Chapter 2, A Far Better Place
- Revisiting Chapter 3, Walking Away
- Revisiting Chapter 4, Still Miles to Walk
- Revisiting Chapter 5, Death is Only the Beginning
- Revisiting Chapter 6, To Love What’s Leaving
- Revisiting Chapter 7, I Am the One Dying
- Revisiting Chapter 8, The Lingering Ambiguity
Part 2 – Embracing the Present
- Revisiting Chapter 9, Wearing Masks,Who Are We Really?
- Revisiting Chapter 10, A Different Trajectory
- Revisiting Chapter 11, Not Wanting to Be Alive
- Revisiting Chapter 12, Birthdays, Anniversaries, and Other Triggers
- Revisiting Chapter 13, We Choose the Scars We Will Carry
- Revisiting Chapter 14, As the World Moves On
Part 3 – Redeeming the Future
- Revisiting Chapter 15, The Judgment of a Bad Man
- Revisiting Chapter 16, Holding Space to Dream Big
- Revisiting Chapter 17, Physical Beauty and Emotional Scars
- Revisiting Chapter 18, Death Feeds Life, Children
- Revisiting Chapter 19, Wrecked on Schedule
- Revisiting Chapter 20, Trust and Granting Permission
Now, saddle up! The adventure that is your Life After awaits!