A Father’s Lament

Staring at the ceiling as
silent tears from the corners of my eyes
roll quickly down, leaving tracks of memories.
A new day is dawning
bright and beautiful full of promise and hope.
I lay quietly in the moment
as gratitude fills my heart.
Mixed with the sadness of loss,
I think of the past and ponder the future.
Between what was and might have been.
What is and what could still be,
I am often trapped on this knife-edge of uncertainty.
I am blessed and have been given so much,
each thing taken away replaced.
Still a spot in my heart that lies cold and alone.
I don’t understand the meaning of this,
I don’t understand the what, the why.
I am here, my life in the midst of this.
As confusion beats within my heart,
to live this life for all it’s worth.
To chose love and lose, the joy and pain
that follows us each day.
I am blessed, the people who care,
the world that promises so much.
But deep within it feels something is amiss,
a small part that forever is missing
from my strong heart.

~Mark Schutter ©2014

(This was the result of 5 minutes of free writing shortly after waking on Father’s Day.  My feelings were a mixture of emotions upon waking and this is what poured out onto the pages of my journal.  ~M)

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