Hear my prayer, O LORD, Give ear to my supplications! Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness! And do not enter into judgment with Your servant, For in Your sight no man living is righteous. For the enemy has persecuted my soul ; He has crushed my life to the ground; He has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have long been dead. Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; My heart is appalled within me.
The words above capture how I feel in spite of the many uplifting and hopeful blogs about new years resolutions and goals. The abyss of anxiety and depression is a deep cavern of dark indecision and self-loathing that many, including I, have journeyed through. The black surrounds, while a thousand voices are screaming in your head without a sound. The angst is like a velvet fog, soft and thick covering everything, greying the colors of life while your heart is heavy. The abyss beckons continuously, promising a false comfort or as CS Lewis said “the sweet poison of the false infinite.”
Life is…, not what was hoped and planned for
Life is…, the truths we believe about our experiences
Life is…, living, learning, loving and letting go
Fate conspires to break your heart and healing only comes once you are broken. A thousand steps forward only to find yourself sliding slowly backwards as if drawn by an invisible force. Reaching, grasping, clawing to the edge of the abyss. The struggle is exhausting and seems so endless at times.
Looking up, looking out, looking forward to the light, away from the dark. To begin anew from here, right where you are, taking one small step of faith. Trusting and believing in a God who cares and is bigger than our troubles. To accept the gift of love, to begin the journey anew and begin climbing out of the abyss. ~Maleko ©2013