#JustBelieve #HopeLives #YouMatter
A while back I posted a blog titled Searching… it’s all shit!
Well, the thought occurred to me as I have watched the autumn weather change from the overcast of gray clouds, to blowing winds and sideways rain, to the rainfall suddenly stopping and the clouds breaking to reveal splotches of blue beyond the gray curtain. Then snow, really snow, which quickly changed back to drizzling rain.
Before the sunshine slowly peaks out playing hide and seek, then disappears and the sky again began dumping buckets of raindrops the size of marbles and then back again to clear skies of forever blue and bright sunshine. Over and over, it does repeat, round and round it goes as the world moves on and it’s still all shit!
We cannot be everything that everybody wants us to be!
Hell, sometimes we cannot even be what we want to be!
These fears haunt me invading my dreams while I sleep and taunt me from the moment I wake, never leaving me alone. These voices in my head that scream condemnation walk beside me each day.
There are doors swinging open and opportunities that beckon and yet… I am so confused. The ideas and possibilities swirl around me in a chaos of hurricane winds and in flashes of lightning that carve the midnight sky, leaving me tired.
Does anyone care?
I silently scream. While I sit here quietly and watch the seconds tick slowly by, distracted by nothing and everything all at the same time.
My thoughts are a mess; my heart skips beats to a rhythm only it can hear as I wonder at the absurdity of it all. There is no choice but to embrace the only absurd choice that is available.
- Do I dare? Would you?
- Do I have the courage? Do you?
To believe in hope, when our faith as small as a wisp of smoke. A single light far off in the dark that is all. A small thing that keeps me going before my hearts stops beating, while I keep hearing the banging sounds of drums repeating.
The world has gone mad, each person, each mother’s son, everyone!
There is hate and evil, remorse and regret, an eternal tag team we meet to do battle in the ring of our hearts. This ugliness and fear seek to devour our souls, as cruelties unfold.
Are all that can stand against!
Our lives’ are brief, as memories linger, and the finality of death overshadows the past. Nothing makes sense. Our memories of yesterday are quickly gone, replaced by the tragedies seared into our brains through social media and the six o’clock news.
We need a lifeline, a belief in a hope that does not disappoint. Future memories of what could be, we see a light in the dark, a beacon of hope, and a reason to go on.
For if we do not, the world will move on and we will find ourselves repeating the refrain, “It’s all still shit!”
#JustBelieve #Hope Lives #LoveChangesPeople
I wrote this post with tears behind my eyes. Although they were wide open I squeezed them tight so that no one can see and nothing leaks out that would give away my feelings. Yes, I am hiding, but also writing. A frenzy of emotional free writing.
I am angry! I am sad! I am frustrated and …
My stomach is in knots, my muscles are tense. I feel the passion surging inside of me and I am afraid of it spilling out into a fit of rage. While my mind spins with questions that have no answers, for I long ago learned there are none.
Triggers come in all sorts of ways. A voice, a song, a memory, a word.
Maybe it’s just me as I read posts on social media encouraging others to ‘copy and paste’ in honor or remembrance of something or someone. Especially in honor of someone who is battling or has lost a battle with cancer with the hashtag #cancersucks or something.
This is my story, my reality and my life.
I lost someone to cancer many years ago and yes cancer sucks. Not a day goes by that something doesn’t remind me of her. When she died, she left a hole in my heart. I watched the traditional treatments wreck and devastate her body, mind and spirit. And in the end, it did nothing to prolong her life nor improve the quality of her life.
So, yes, I am jaded.
My experience may be vastly different from others. Yet, this is my story, not theirs and this is my voice that is screaming in the silence of unanswered questions. Nighttime skies as dark as death where stars twinkle on unconcerned and the cold vastness reveals no measure of comfort to assuage my pain and longing.
Posting in honor of someone, does nothing. Really, that’s the best you can do?
Be careful with your words, your images, your pictures and posts you share. Everyone experiences things differently. Triggers! No two people experience life in exactly the same way. There is no comfort in false words of hope and solace. We toss around platitudes like confetti in the wind, left to fall and be carried where they will. With no thought of those on the receiving end, intentional or not, will catch the true meaning of our hearts.
Yes, I am bitter. Yes, I am … hell I don’t know what I am.
I do know that I am strong and this will not defeat me. I will bang a drum for those we have lost and never assume to understand someone else’s experience and pain. For I never would expect the two to be the same. #JustBelieve #HopeLives
Warning: Honesty Post!
*All my posts are honest, but this one is a clearer look behind my curtain and who I am. If you are not ready, or willing to hear, my truth (and just possibly the truth others cannot voice, although I would never presume to speak for anyone else) please stop reading now. I do not wish to offend anyone in this time of overwhelming political correctness and safe places, well time to get over it.
I sit here on a quiet Sunday morning; only a week removed from our two week adventure to Yellowstone National Park and it all seems like shit! I told you honesty and that’s the word that fits – shit!
I am blessed, I know that.
A family that loves me, friends that care and so much more. I’ve been granted opportunities and worked my ass off at times sacrificing to accomplish what I have. Looking in one might say I have been and am pretty successful.
So why, as I sit here on the other side of my life’s mountain with less time before me than behind me do I feel this way, and not just this day but on most days?
Stuck! Marginalized! Lost! Uninspired! Disconnected! Lonely! Fatigued! Discontented! Overwhelmed! Anxious! Uncertain! Afraid!
I have dreams. We all do. They taunt me and haunt me. So, what good is a life that leaves nothing behind? To let go of the expectations of others. The responsibilities of who they think and want me to be.
It is all so exhausting.
I feel I have lost myself. Oh, there are moments, real and true, that speak of a greater reality, and they are just far too few. I often wonder who I am, or was meant to be but also there is a melody woven through my life that sings if only I would stop and acknowledge that truth.
My dreams of passion and purpose dance at the edges of my days before quickly fading into the duty and obligations that chain me. To make a difference in the lives of others. Yes, shining a light into the darkness.
My self-imposed obligations and responsibilities weigh me down. Drowning out that still small voice inside that would inspire and lead me higher. I am grounded with useless wings.
My search, for what I often am not sure, seems so fruitless and empty. I do not hear from God, a voice crying out in the wilderness. The silence of the unending heavens as I stare at the night sky.
I spent two weeks traveling and camping, visiting some of the most awe inspiring animals and natural wonders ever created and yet…
Is it the simple things?
Those fleeting moments that leave a lingering feeling as they are too quickly gone. And then we crash back to reality wondering, hoping to recapture those moments of magic.
That is where the bullshit often lies!
I stare into the darkness of my heart, knowing that I cannot change the world. But maybe, just maybe I can help one person who can then help another. Ripples you know?
Is that what life is about, each person uniquely created to fill a certain destiny that only they can fill. Why does it never seen to be enough? My doubts and fears, my insecurities of letting others down and not being good enough. Not being perfect.
Can good enough be good enough?
I feel my rambling coming to a close and I realize there are more questions here than answers. Oh well…. It is time to get my ass up, put on my jeans and dusty cowboy boots, carry a flame and bang that drum for myself and others. Cause God is not done with me and I will trust in my time of uncertainty and silence.
One small, seemingly insignificant pebble can start a landslide or send out ripples, even as it silently falls through the dark depths of anxiety.
So, these are words I would most likely never say out loud, so thank you for reading and carpe diem my friends!
Sometimes disappearing is the only way to escape the swirling madness of the enemy’s lies.
#JustBelieve #HopeLives #LoveChangesPeople