We Wander…


Pilate said to Him, “What is truth?” 

~John 18:38



You Never Get Over It

The Young Girl

“That I Long Ago Wed and Who Drove Me Mad”

~Mark W. Schutter ©September 2018


The young girl that I long ago wed

Promising to love and cherish

Until death do us part

There was truth in those words I said


The young girl I held safe in my arms

When she cried from hurt

While our love grew

I attempted to shield her from harm


The young girl who held nothing back

We feasted on love and lust

Unaware fate conspired

To cleave two souls and fade to black


The young girl who endured the pain

Of the cancerous disease that arose

A future uncertain

And rarely did she ever complain


The young girl in a faithful anguish

Moments of joy midst affliction

As her star began to fade

A beautiful life now left to languish


The young girl I gently held her hand

Watching as life slowly slipped away

Until her last breath

And it was all I could do to stand


The young girl I gently closed her eyes

No more sight and nothing to see

Worlds she now explores

With eyes that went blank when she died


The young girl from who I slowly turned away

My heart beat loud as I silently wept

The long walk leaving behind

Every dream gone and I could not stay


The young girl is now just a lifeless shell

All the memories a distant reverie

My heart now shattered

Knowing that I have entered hell


The young girl lies tranquil in a wooden box

All prettied up in peaceful repose

Her struggle now done

A life put away in a human breadbox


The young girl lay for everyone to see

A lifeless corpse is all that is left

My strength now gone

Sitting front and center is killing me


The young girl lies while they all file past

Alone I stare into the dark void

My hopes now taken

The answer was no to each prayer I asked


The young girl towards her I slowly reach out

Placing a single red rose upon her chest

Those red lips I kissed

They are cold and stiff she is gone no doubt


The young girl to ashes and dust she returns

The small container I must carry away

Life’s arc from birth to death

In the light of time she will forever burn


The young girl I take over land and sea afar

To a place where the waters are alive

Calling forth another life

A dance beckons journeying to the stars


The young girl now flies free in the slipstream

Her ashes spread to eternities embrace

Promises kept of a dying wish

Into the undiscovered now just a dream


The young girl who left me a wandering nomad

I carry hope of once and a future again

I chose the reality of love

And the young girl who drove me mad

~The End


Death and grief; you accept it, you learn to live with it and you go on, but you never get over it. I know this all too well from my own experiences over the last twenty-five years. This poem came to me late one night before drifting off and I wrote it down the next day with very little editing. I still remember so much as if it happened yesterday and it is the smallest of things that my memories fixate on and my mind sees with a surreal clarity.

Thanks for reading and just believe that hope lives. ~M

This Moment

The quiet all around was loud inside my head. I felt a sense of expectancy in the air.
The breeze off the lake contained a chill but was bearable after the heat of the day. The small waves pushed by the breeze lapped against the gravel-laden shoreline. The boardwalk was empty this early evening. The boards running vertically beneath our feet showed the signs of the many footsteps of those who had walked along this path and were well worn.
The diffused evening light cast an ethereal glow settled over the landscape as the sun touched the horizon. The ground to both sides of the wooden boardwalk was stark white bleached white from the powerful desert sun. The winds that blew over that had stripped the earth bare leaving it barren and void of life except for a few sparse trees that struggled for survival in the dry parched dirt.
We walked silently, me with my hands pushed deep into my pockets and her pushing her bike forward hands firmly on the grips and face a mask devoid of emotion. The sleeves of my white shirt rolled up to my elbows and I could feel the flapping of the shirttails in the wind as we walked. Her white summer dress hung loosely on her young body a stark contrast to her brown olive skin. The lack of color in our clothes matched the landscape as if we were a part of it.
Looking inland away from the lake, I could see the far distance parking lot where the last stragglers of the day were returning to their vehicles. Headed where I had no idea, I only knew that they had somewhere to go. The loneliness settled over me like a shroud as my steps faltered and the sun sank its lower half now hidden below the horizon.
Catching my stumble out of the corner of her eye, she knew better than to ask how I was. Instead, she simply stated,
“I am tired.”
“I know sweetie.”
I replied as I quickly regained my balance and told myself she had not seen my misstep, nor knew the reason why. However, deep down I knew that she knew. She always seemed to know. Her understanding empathy, the ability that came so naturally to her and guided her actions was far beyond her young years. As we continued to walk, she said.
“I just want to sleep, all the time.”
“It’s okay. I get it. If that’s what you need then that’s okay.”
The silence then settled around us again as we moved forward. We strode onward as if drawn by some invisible force that neither of us could deny. I knew she was tired and worn out, even without her earlier comment still echoing in my head. My heart ached knowing I was powerless to stop the pain. I still found it hard to admit, even to myself, the conclusion I knew was inevitable and unavoidable.
Life is hard and for her to learn this at such a young age seemed so unfair. My anger over the injustice I perceived burned however; the sadness and longing overshadowed it like the darkness. I looked across the lake at the exact moment the last of the huge golden orb of the sun sank beyond the horizon into the undiscovered. Melodies of grace erupted in my head in songs of redemption and a belief in a light that will one day overcome the darkness. As quickly as the feelings rose, they disappeared as the despair again wrapped its arms around me choking off my breath.
I felt so helpless and alone. My life slipping from my grasp and everything I held dear. We continued to walk in silence, comfortable together in our solitude. Over the past few days, I had watched, as she grew weaker and I hated the fact that my little girl’s strength was quickly fading and I knew the end was near.
The words came from where I do not know and spilled out of my mouth in a cry of anguish.
“I miss her.”
“I do too daddy.”
“God, I miss your momma.”
We stopped walking and the bike lay on its side where she had let if fall. Picking her up I held her close feeling her wet check against mine our tears mingled together as they ran down our faces. Her arms tightly squeezed my neck in defiance of tomorrow and yesterday, for this moment was all we had.

©Mark W. Schutter 2018

Often this moment is all we really have, don’t miss it. ~M

#JustBelieve #HopeLives #LoveChangesPeople

This Moment