Grief, Loss, Triggers and Other Stuff

I wrote this post with tears behind my eyes. Although they were wide open I squeezed them tight so that no one can see and nothing leaks out that would give away my feelings. Yes, I am hiding, but also writing. A frenzy of emotional free writing.

I am angry! I am sad! I am frustrated and …

My stomach is in knots, my muscles are tense. I feel the passion surging inside of me and I am afraid of it spilling out into a fit of rage. While my mind spins with questions that have no answers, for I long ago learned there are none. 

My Destiny

Triggers come in all sorts of ways. A voice, a song, a memory, a word. 

Maybe it’s just me as I read posts on social media encouraging others to ‘copy and paste’ in honor or remembrance of something or someone. Especially in honor of someone who is battling or has lost a battle with cancer with the hashtag #cancersucks or something.

This is my story, my reality and my life.

I lost someone to cancer many years ago and yes cancer sucks. Not a day goes by that something doesn’t remind me of her. When she died, she left a hole in my heart. I watched the traditional treatments wreck and devastate her body, mind and spirit. And in the end, it did nothing to prolong her life nor improve the quality of her life. 

So, yes, I am jaded.

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My experience may be vastly different from others. Yet, this is my story, not theirs and this is my voice that is screaming in the silence of unanswered questions. Nighttime skies as dark as death where stars twinkle on unconcerned and the cold vastness reveals no measure of comfort to assuage my pain and longing.

Posting in honor of someone, does nothing. Really, that’s the best you can do?

Be careful with your words, your images, your pictures and posts you share. Everyone experiences things differently. Triggers! No two people experience life in exactly the same way. There is no comfort in false words of hope and solace. We toss around platitudes like confetti in the wind, left to fall and be carried where they will. With no thought of those on the receiving end, intentional or not, will catch the true meaning of our hearts.

Yes, I am bitter. Yes, I am … hell I don’t know what I am.

I do know that I am strong and this will not defeat me. I will bang a drum for those we have lost and never assume to understand someone else’s experience and pain. For I never would expect the two to be the same. #JustBelieve #HopeLives

Bull$√!+

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Triggers, Moments and Memories

TriggersTriggers;
like fires dancing flames,
burning a hole in the black.
Leaves behind painful scars,
forever seared in my brain.

Moments;
frozen in time eternal,
etched in stone and not forgotten.
A remembrance of what is past,
burns hot in the infernal.

Memories;
from the darkness will come,
slapping our hearts with regret.
Forever lost of what once was,
voices push until you’re numb.

Triggers;
out of nowhere appear,
to sidetrack our simple lives.
Things once laid to rest,
still rattle things we hold dear.

~Mark Schutter ©2015

What triggers you? What moments are remembered? What memories linger?

Some Things Will Never Make Sense

WTH?!

What the hell is wrong with this picture?

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Triggers come in all shapes and sizes from out of nowhere.  They blindside you and will knock you on your ass! I may not usually don’t engage in rants very often but when and if I do it is usually has to be personal.

It has been 20 plus years, say what?

Happy Birthday,  really?

I have moved eight times (I think) between three states and changing addresses in the intervening years. Changed jobs numerous times gotten married and had a child.

Still with all the data that is collected by corporations and the government about our personal lives they somehow miss this? It makes no sense at all. They can track where we go, what we buy and who we talk to. It is public record and I am living a very different life.

The mail pictured above arrived today following a great two days of camping. I have to give AARP credit they knew that she would turn have turned 50 years old, hence the happy birthday. 

Problem is, she’s been dead for over 22 years!

Okay, rant over.

You can read more of my story on my about page ‘A Cowboys Heart’. Now I am going back to watching “The Searchers” and have a drink.

Tomorrow is a new day full of hope.

#JustBelieve #GraceWins #HopeLives