In the last few paragraphs of this chapter I paraphrase the C.S. Lewis quote about nonsense questions that God finds unanswerable which we ask in the midst of our pain. How I believe God may simply wave them away in compassionate silence.
So many questions still linger to this day and I am better at living with no answers… most of the time.
Things happen, and we must just continue to paddle through the rapids of our lives. #ThingsHappen #Quote #Memoir #Grief #Healing #CowboysAreNotSupposedtoCryTweet
I recall an incident at the cancer institute where I was overcome with emotion at the perceived lack of compassion and concern for my wife and I uttered, quick loudly, some obscenities in a waiting room full of people. I still carry a lot of the pain, the hurt, and the confusion from those events that occurred many years ago and yet I know that now I am not the same as I was then.
My fears that began when she was diagnosed and grew through her illness and eventually her death are still with me to an extent. Some I have reconciled and even embraced. Some I have buried and I know I need more healing. I leave that to God and his timing… but I must be an active participant when it is time.
Only recently as I embark on a new business of coaching and mentoring others through grief have I begun to truly ask the question of what it is that grief asks of us.
What has your grief asked of you?
Read my thoughts on previous chapters of my memoir, links below.
Part 1 – Reconciling the Past
- Revisiting Chapter 1 – Out of the Sun
- Revisiting Chapter 2 – A Far Better Place
- Revisiting Chapter 3 – Walking Away
- Revisiting Chapter 4 – Still Miles to Walk
- Revisiting Chapter 5 – Death is Only the Beginning
- Revisiting Chapter 6 – To Love What’s Leaving
- Revisiting Chapter 7 – I Am the One Dying
- Revisiting Chapter 8 – The Lingering Ambiguity
Part 2 – Embracing the Present
PS – have a nice day and remember faith is a belief in the unseen.
In the silence
We hear the truth
#JustBelieve #HopeLives #LoveChangesPeople
I have been silent for awhile now. Here on my blog and all other forms of social media. Just dealing with stuff, you know life. Trying to figure it all out, when I finally realized there are no clear answers. This was the first post I shared on Twitter just a little over a week ago. Then onto Instagram and my Facebook page.
(PS – I would love to meet and get to know each one of you on those media platforms also. Follow me and I promise to follow back!)
Anyway, I got tired of pretending. Pretending and hiding behind the smiles and the words that never seemed to mean anything to me. Even if they may have meant something to others, so I stopped sharing. But I never stopped writing and those closest to me have stood by me, letting my silence linger and for that I am grateful. They make me stronger. You all make me stronger and I hope you will forgive me for dropping out for a while to find my way.
I now want to send out ripples, to reengage if you will, although I don’t yet know to what level. I realize that maybe if my posts, my words, my images, or just my presence touches one heart, … well it’s all worth it. That may spark them touching someone else and so on and so forth. That is the ‘ripple effect’. So, rise up mighty warriors it is time to seize the day!
Comes a reckoning, he thought.
You drain me of everything inside.
Then fill me before walking away.
Saying nothing, softly she smiles.
~Mark Schutter ©2016
As we begin to fade, seeming to become invisible to those around us, our emotions mounting in a cascade crashing over us like waves onto the shore pushed by stormy winds. No one seems to care; no one seems to notice. Our contributions seems unwanted and unappreciated. Our feelings will deceive us so I offer this, STOP!
- Seek God first
- Seek silence
- Seek truth
This is exactly what I will be doing. I do not necessarily feel invisible to those around me, but to myself. I am feeling, (yes feelings are deceptive) and yet I have an overwhelming sense that I am losing myself, becoming invisible to myself. I am unsure who I am, what I want and even what I need anymore. I have been acquiescing to what I think others want me to be. Truth is I can’t be what everyone else wants or expects me to be.
Thus, I have decided to take a break, from blogging and social media for awhile and the voices in my head. For how long? I cannot say at this point. Only a day, a week a month, I just don’t know.
All I know is that I need to find myself. I must protect my heart which is frayed and worn. So, I will dive into the undiscovered to:
- Seek God
- Seek silence
- Seek truth
Thank you for understanding and may God richly bless you. ~M ♥
As I sit in muted silence
The incessant ringing in my ear
This and that
Dissolve like snowflakes
The beating of my heart
The fatigue that covers me
The feelings of
What I just don’t know
But it seems so hard
So I will sit in the silence
Of my own coursing thoughts
Believing in better days ahead
When the pressure clears
In my head
~Mark Schutter ©2015
I haven’t posted much over the past weeks as I’ve been fighting a viral infection. Getting better finally but my thoughts are still jumbled and all over the place. This ramble is what poured out this morning. Have a great day and God bless!
Within the silence, that often surrounds
Truth is heard and grace abounds
Within faith’s glow, living waters flow
Souls are stilled, empty vessels filled
Answers to prayers, float silently down
God’s majestic silence, is all around
~Mark Schutter ©2014
(This is a companion to a previous post on The Silence of God originally posted on April 19, 2014. It occurred to me that we still have the voice of God in the silence and His promises which He will fulfill to those who remain faithful to the end. ~M)