We are all broken but sometimes, oh yes sometimes, the broken pieces of you and me come together beautifully. ~Mark Wayne
This chapter seems innocuous at first as I mention wandering through my thirties and into my forties after Luka died.
Moving on, as life continued, but not really moving forward.
There is a vast difference in my opinion, as time moves on regardless of what actions we take or don’t take.
So much changed, in my mind, in my heart and in my daily life after Luka died.
I lived in fear for so long and it still rears it’s ugly head even now almost thirty years later. The unknown and that we really have no control. Couple that with the feelings of grief that are so much like fear, as C.S. Lewis says in the book A Grief Observed.
The feelings of grief, loss, and pain often force us to reevaluate everything, or at least most things, for us to move forward. To start again, I don’t think of it as starting over, just another book if you will. You don’t throw everything away that you had, you carry it into the next story and each succeeding chapter.
I walk through a world remembering a young girl from over thirty years ago. Does anyone else remember? And I hear a voice in my head that asks,
“Will you remember me when forever comes and goes?”
Death of a loved one takes all we had, each promise and hope of a future together. It shakes the foundations of your belief and so often we simply, walk away burying the pain, the grief, the regret and even the love. Why?
Sometimes the scars are angry. Sometimes they scream. Sometimes the scars will bleed. Sometimes they whisper. Sometimes the scars… are just what we need.
For it is in those moments that undoubtedly will continue to come, unceasingly as time moves forward, this is when we are free to choose the scars we will carry.
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You’ve most likely heard it said to be kind as everyone is fighting a battle nobody else knows about. Thus, many feel alone and lost.
➡️ This truth has come up many times in my conversations with others.
If you are struggling I will come alongside you. ~Job 2:13
I have stood by the bedside holding the hand of my late wife as she died. I had to turn and leave her. Leaving everything I had ever known and thus began my own walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I have been there and now I want to help others.
Reaching out takes strength and courage. Send me a message via my contact page to schedule a free 15 minute intro call to see if we are a good fit and if I can help.
Disclaimer: This post was written the day after the Good Friday and Easter weekend that I as a Christian celebrate. This year was also the 29th anniversary of her death on Good Friday in the year 1993. I was 28 years old when she died, thus I have been alive longer without her than I was alive when she died. ~Mark W. Schutter
One if the many reviews and feedback I have received for my memoir. I am blessed and also left with this lingering ambiguity regarding my story and it’s impact on others.
Even after writing my memoir, having it edited and published I am still left with many unanswered questions. Many that I believe will never be answered this side of heaven. When someone is dying and the dreaded end is evitable what then?
All the promises and the vows that no longer matter, ’till death do us part.’ The heartfelt pleas and prayers that went unanswered while time simply marches on. The ambiguity that can surround grief often leads to feelings that emerge that are not common. The expression or stifling of those feelings can lead to disappointments, disagreements, conflict, and confusion for all involved.
Death can bring out the best in people and the worst. And in those momentsgrace for ourselves and others is sometimes hard to find.
I realize now of many things I did without much thought for the impacts on myself and others. I trudged through the days expecting more of myself, more of those around me, more from the world and from God. I have since realized that for many years I never gave myself permission to feel, to grieve my loss. (And that is a story for another chapter later in the book. 😉)
I was just beginning to learn how to embrace my life as it was now, not as I wished it to be, for that was the only way to see a future. #Grief #Healing #LifeAfter #Trauma