Grief, Life, memoir, Writing

Revisiting Chapter 3 – Walking Away

Sometimes you have to walk away…

Chapter 3 began taking shape in my mind following a conversation with my therapist. As usual we were discussing Luka’s death and the impacts on me, when I mentioned that in the moments after she died. I spoke about remembering standing by her bedside where she lay. Thinking to myself, there was nothing else I could do. I had to and needed to walk away. Yet, I stayed for several moments by her bedside.

I knew I needed to walk away. To turn from this lifeless body that lay in front of me that had held my whole world. There was nothing left for me to do for her.

I recall my therapist staring at me in silence for several seconds before he spoke softly. “It’s interesting in all my experience you are the first person to talk about that. I mean we talk about the death and then we jump to the funeral proceedings and all the logistical things around death. No one has ever mentioned before, those moments immediately following someone dying and what those left behind have to do.”

I swallowed hard and responded, “Yeah, her death was peaceful and calm but then what? I stood there, knowing she was dead and then realizing that was it. I had to turn away from everything I knew and walk away, leaving her there alone. That was hard.”

I don’t recall if I thought about all those things that would never be again or just the among of willpower it took to move my feet and leave her behind. Our time together in the physical world was done.

“Time together was the only thing, just being with her, sitting talking, watching movies, and holding her hand, so many things that I now believe may have helped her breathe a little easier in those moments.”

CHAPTER 3, WALKING AWAY, PAGE 40 – MARK W. SCHUTTER

There would be no more talks, no more movies, no more time together. Only the memories of what once was. I still carry those memories, nothing can take them away, although the edges of my memory may have frayed and faded a bit. That is just time eroding what once was. I was heading towards my 29th birthday…

“I was lost at sea with on wind in my sails. I had the freedom to do, to be, to go anywhere I wanted, and I did not want that freedom. I was free to walk away. How do you reconcile that?”

CHAPTER 3. WALKING AWAY, PAGE 42 – MARK W. SCHUTTER

Here are links to my thoughts and revisits of Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.

Order your copy today, and one or two or threeโ€ฆ as a gift for some else who is struggling, 

You can also contact me here on my website to purchase signed copies.

PAY IT FORWARD!

Life, memoir, Writing

Revisiting Chapter 1 – Out of the Sun

Please note: This is the beginning of a series of posts where I will work my way through each chapter of my memoir, Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry, reflecting on what I wrote and other thoughts now that the book is published.

As I reread chapter 1 of my memoir the first thing that hits me is how naรฏve I was, but I guess we all were at one time or another. My youthfulness shows through my words and actions during that time of my life. The first meeting with Luka and our growing relationship. It took me almost thirty years to realize the doors she opened and lead me through into worlds I had never explored. There were many simple things you don’t realize how much they meant until much, much later.

“We lived in those moments that held special meaning to us but seemed so ordinary in their significance.”

Chapter 1, Out of the Sun, page 24 – Mark W. Schutter

It’s those moments that seem insignificant that have the propensity to change our lives in hindsight. Those chance encounters with a stranger that lead to a deep and lasting relationship. Some that accompany us throughout the rest of our lives and others only stay for a while. Yet, the memories and the truths of each conversation stay with us and become touchstones that are the bedrock on which we stand.

I recall the music of the time when we first met and the music she introduced me to. Music I had never considered nor paid attention to before. It was a kaleidoscope of sounds and emotions that permeated and became the backdrop of our lives for those few short years. The music was so often prophetic as the lyrics seemed to hint at things to come. Some happy and some sad but either way they were harbingers of what may be.

“There was so much to live for, so much to look forward to, while a haunting voice whispered there will come a time when I will never see her again.”

Chapter 1, Out of the Sun, page 25 – Mark W. Schutter

There were decisions made that were set on my securing my future as I slowly slipped into adulthood. Yet those decisions of college and pursing a vocational calling pale in comparison to the seemingly random everyday occurrences that I now believe were anything but random. Those moments and incidents that became part of the tapestry when our lives came together in a grand design until the edges began to fray, the material becoming thinner and eventually the fabric was torn in two.

The first glance when our eyes met, casual conversations, dinners under the fading evening light, hawks soaring high overhead, and sharing hopes and dreams of a future. I titled the first chapter of my memoir “Out of the Sun” as an ode to the following lyrics in the Al Stewart song ‘Year of the Cat.’

She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running
Like a watercolor in the rain
Don’t bother asking for explanations

She came into my life in late summer wearing sun dresses and sandals. And like a watercolor painting opened my eyes to a multitude of hues and colors in life that often dance just outside our vision. Watercolor paint has a special ability to morph from one to another overlapping in soft and hard edges. Then the colors run as the water carries them intermingling with each other until the distinctness is lost. It continues to fade until the image is completely gone. This is an analogy of our lives together, the brilliant distinctiveness, intermingling, and then the fading until she was gone.

There are many more lines from this song that also resonate with me but that is for another post at another time when I may break down the entire song. For now just remember that no matter what you do, time passes, and you have the choice to live forward despite those trials and pains that inflict us all.

“She believed… there was a far better place, a place that existed out past the sun, where it rained colors and memoires never faded, where the last became first and the pain became joy and you traveled via the slipstream, a place where we can let go of the pain, the loss, and the death of this world.”

Chapter 1, Out of the Sun, page 27 – Mark W. Schutter

So don’t bother asking for explanations cause she just might tell you that she came in the year of the cat. ๐Ÿ˜‰ God bless! This is your ‘life after…’ don’t miss it!

———————————————————————————————-

My memoir is available in print and e-book. Order your copy today, and one or two or threeโ€ฆ as a gift for some else in time for the holidays. PAY IT FORWARD!  

You can also reach out to me here on my website to purchase signed copies.

Life, memoir, Writing

Are you receiving my NEWSLETTER?

I have sent out my most recent newsletter just today and it can be viewed here.

It is a great way to keep up to date and be one of the first to hear about exciting events and happenings. My memoir is now available in both print and e-book formats.

Purchase your copy here:

Amazon > https://www.amzn.com/1639031022

Barnes and Noble > https://www.bn.com/s/9781639031023

I have some exciting changes coming up and new opportunities that I will be sharing. So, let’s start the conversation about

“Life after…”

memoir, Writing

There is and can be ‘life after…”

Print and e-book available now on Amazon and Barnes and Noble

Here is the video trailer >

What do you think of when you hear the word grief?

How would you describe the experience, your experience?

๐—–๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐˜†๐˜€ ๐—”๐—ฟ๐—ฒ ๐—ก๐—ผ๐˜ ๐—ฆ๐˜‚๐—ฝ๐—ฝ๐—ผ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—–๐—ฟ๐˜† > Available now on Amazon > https://www.amzn.com/1639031022ย #Grief #Memoir #Healing #Men

Life, memoir, Photograph

Coming changes, can you see them?

A line from the movie Stagecoach.

There are changes coming my friends. Perhaps some for the better and some for the worse. Who knows?

I cannot see that far in the future to know what may come. There is one who does because he is already there and that is where I choose to place my trust.

These changes will irrevocably change us as we move forward.

Because as the Ringo Kid (John Wayne) said in Stagecoach, there are some things you just can’t run away from. ๐Ÿ‘Š

Available now on Amazon – https://www.amzn.com/1639031022
Grief, Writing

My Memoir is Available for Pre-sale!!!

Although not officially released my memoir ๐—–๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐˜†๐˜€ ๐—”๐—ฟ๐—ฒ ๐—ก๐—ผ๐˜ ๐—ฆ๐˜‚๐—ฝ๐—ฝ๐—ผ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—–๐—ฟ๐˜† is now available to purchase through pre-sale on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com – go order a copy today!

My publisher Christian Faith Publishing is currently converting the book to the various E-book formats to upload soon. They are also creating a video trailer for the book and a press release to go out to thousands of media outlets including bloggers, journalists, newspapers, television and radio stations, websites and book reviewers. When the press release goes out that will be the “official release” for the book, but why wait?

Go order your copy today! It is a story of love, hope, and healing.

Again, you can now purchase the book online at Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.

Soon I will be offering autographed copies through my website here, along with some other promotional events and giveaways to compliment the book. Stay tuned for that!

How can you support me and help promote the book?

  1. Buy the book (hardcopy and e-book), read the book and share on social media, post a review on Amazon, Goodreads etc.
  2. Buy the book (hardcopy and e-book), read the book and share on social media.
  3. Buy the book (hardcopy and e-book).

P.S. – I am planning an audio version of the book to be available soon also!

Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement! 

Go live your dreams because there is life after…

~Mark (Exodus 15:3)

God, Grief, Life, Writing

Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry – A Memoir

๐‘จ๐’๐’… ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐‘ฉ๐’†๐’”๐’• ๐‘ป๐’‰๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’€๐’๐’– ๐‘ช๐’‚๐’ ๐‘ซ๐’ ๐’˜๐’Š๐’•๐’‰ ๐‘ซ๐’†๐’‚๐’•๐’‰ ๐‘ฐ๐’” ๐’•๐’ ๐‘น๐’Š๐’…๐’† ๐’๐’‡๐’‡ ๐’‡๐’“๐’๐’Ž ๐’Š๐’•?

So excited, I received the first physical copies of my memoir and upcoming book today! ๐Ÿ‘Š

Shows me, the author, holding the first physical copy of my upcoming memoir - Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry
First physical copy of my upcoming book! (8/11/2021)

Thank you Jesus, and my family, and friends for all the love and support, and my publisher Christian Faith Publishing. The story of my journey carrying grief and healing will be soon be available. I pray it blesses and helps others dealing with the pain of loss.

๐‘จ๐’๐’… ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐‘ฉ๐’†๐’”๐’• ๐‘ป๐’‰๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’€๐’๐’– ๐‘ช๐’‚๐’ ๐‘ซ๐’ ๐’˜๐’Š๐’•๐’‰ ๐‘ซ๐’†๐’‚๐’•๐’‰ ๐‘ฐ๐’” ๐’•๐’ ๐‘น๐’Š๐’…๐’† ๐’๐’‡๐’‡ ๐’‡๐’“๐’๐’Ž ๐’Š๐’•? #CowboysAreNotSupposedtoCry #Memoir #UpcomingBook #WritersLife #WickedQuestions

#LiveYourDreams – Exodus 15:3

Watch for a soon to be announced release date and opportunities to be part of the launch team!! This is how my story begins.

“๐€๐ฌ ๐ˆ ๐ฅ๐จ๐จ๐ค ๐›๐š๐œ๐ค ๐จ๐ฏ๐ž๐ซ ๐ฆ๐ฒ ๐ฅ๐ข๐Ÿ๐ž,โ€ฆ”

Grief, Writing

Memoir Teaser! Interior title page, Part 2 -Embracing the Present

Title page, ๐—ฃ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐˜ ๐Ÿฎ – ๐—˜๐—บ๐—ฏ๐—ฟ๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฃ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜ from my upcoming #memoir ‘๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘ค๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ฆ๐‘  ๐ด๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ก ๐‘†๐‘ข๐‘๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐ถ๐‘Ÿ๐‘ฆ.’

“๐‘ป๐’‰๐’Š๐’” ๐’Š๐’” ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’”๐’•๐’๐’“๐’š, ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’“๐’†๐’‚๐’๐’Š๐’•๐’š, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’๐’Š๐’‡๐’†…”

A journey of carrying grief and healing while navigating personal and societal expectations around men and grief. Currently in the cover design phase and to be published later this summer.

How can you support the book when it launches?

  1. Buy the book (hardcopy and e-book), read the book and share on social media, post a review on Amazon, Goodreads etc.
  2. Buy the book (hardcopy and e-book), read the book and share on social media.
  3. Buy the book (hardcopy and e-book).

Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement! ~Mark (Exodus 15:3)

“๐‘ป๐’‰๐’Š๐’” ๐’Š๐’” ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’”๐’•๐’๐’“๐’š, ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’“๐’†๐’‚๐’๐’Š๐’•๐’š, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’๐’Š๐’‡๐’†…” #Memoir #CowboysAreNotSupposedtoCry #Men #Grief #MentalHealth

To view my post about Part 1 – Reconciling the Past click here.

Grief, Life

My Grief is..

“๐‘ด๐’š ๐’ˆ๐’“๐’Š๐’†๐’‡ ๐’Š๐’” ๐’‚ ๐’˜๐’‚๐’š ๐’๐’‡ ๐’๐’๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’˜๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’˜๐’‚๐’” ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’˜๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’„๐’‚๐’ ๐’ƒ๐’†!”

๐‹๐จ๐ซ๐, ๐ค๐ž๐ž๐ฉ ๐ฆ๐ž ๐ฐ๐š๐ฅ๐ค๐ข๐ง’!

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. The manuscript has been moved forward to the formatting stage, first for the hard copy and then the digital copy. The above and image is another one line, no explanation, and no context from my upcoming memoir > Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry.

#LiveYourDreams

“๐‘ด๐’š ๐’ˆ๐’“๐’Š๐’†๐’‡ ๐’Š๐’” ๐’‚ ๐’˜๐’‚๐’š ๐’๐’‡ ๐’๐’๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’˜๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’˜๐’‚๐’” ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’˜๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’„๐’‚๐’ ๐’ƒ๐’†!” #Memior #UpcomingBook #CowboysAreNotSupposedtoCry

How would you define your grief?