Life, memoir, Writing

Revisiting Chapter 13 – We Chose the Scars We Will Carry

We are all broken but sometimes, oh yes sometimes, the broken pieces of you and me come together beautifully. ~Mark Wayne

This chapter seems innocuous at first as I mention wandering through my thirties and into my forties after Luka died.

Moving on, as life continued, but not really moving forward.

There is a vast difference in my opinion, as time moves on regardless of what actions we take or don’t take.

So much changed, in my mind, in my heart and in my daily life after Luka died.

I lived in fear for so long and it still rears it’s ugly head even now almost thirty years later. The unknown and that we really have no control. Couple that with the feelings of grief that are so much like fear, as C.S. Lewis says in the book A Grief Observed.

The feelings of grief, loss, and pain often force us to reevaluate everything, or at least most things, for us to move forward. To start again, I don’t think of it as starting over, just another book if you will. You don’t throw everything away that you had, you carry it into the next story and each succeeding chapter.

I walk through a world remembering a young girl from over thirty years ago. Does anyone else remember? And I hear a voice in my head that asks,

“Will you remember me when forever comes and goes?”

Death of a loved one takes all we had, each promise and hope of a future together. It shakes the foundations of your belief and so often we simply, walk away burying the pain, the grief, the regret and even the love. Why?

Sometimes the scars are angry.
Sometimes they scream.
Sometimes the scars will bleed.
Sometimes they whisper.
Sometimes the scars…
are just what we need.

For it is in those moments that undoubtedly will continue to come, unceasingly as time moves forward, this is when we are free to choose the scars we will carry.

———————————————

Get your copy of Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry here >

And a review on Amazon or Goodreads would be very much appreciated.  Thanks again! 

 

 Read my thoughts on previous chapters of my memoir, links below.

Part 1 – Reconciling the Past

Part 2 – Embracing the Present

> If you are struggling with moving forward following a loss and searching for your best “life after”, reach out. Leave a comment or email me at info@markschutter.com,

I’ll follow up with some additional information and how to book a free call to chat and see if I can help. Thanks!

I am Mark W. Schutter, Grief Coach for Men and Author of the memoir 𝐂𝐨𝐰𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐬 𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐒𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐂𝐫𝐲, and we all need a little support sometimes.

God, Life, Writing

A Reckoning, We All Got it Coming

We can read the following scripture in Galatians 3:6 –

Even so Abraham believed God, and it was reckoned to him as righteousness ~Galatians 3:6

What are we to make of this? I reckon whether it is righteousness, mercy, justice or punishment we all have it coming. In the film Gladiator, Maximus played by Russell Crowe makes the following statement at the beginning of the film before a big battle scene.

“What we do in life, echoes in eternity.”

Whether this is true or not, whether you believe it or not, I do believe there are things we do in this life that will echo in eternity. The biggest of these is the decision where we will spend eternity after we die. Yes, I believe that decision is left to us, via our own God granted free will.

That is the reckoning we all have coming and it is based on our ultimate choice. And each little choice we make each day and each hour can lead us towards this final choice. Either towards blessings or curses, heaven or hell.

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, in the end, “Thy will be done.” All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. Those who knock it is opened.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, in the end, “Thy will be done.” ~C.S. Lewis ‘The Great Divorce’ #Quote #Choices #HeavenOrHell

What is your choice?

Poetry

Two Doors

I found myself standing before two doors.
Tall and strong they stood.
Above each door hung a small sign.
In simple script one read,
Joy and Sorrow
And the other,
Pleasure and Pain
Hesitatingly, I approached to peer through the small peephole of each door.
In shock I gasped, astounded by what I see.
Each room holds a mass of the most wondrous sights shining brightly.
And horrible grotesque ugly things I had never dreamed could be.
This was an odd assortment of characters,
some that glowed in beauty untold and others that reeked of evil misery.
The uproarious laughter and joy of some shone pure grace and mercy.
In stark contrast to the wretched screams of those who writhed in pain unceasingly.
Easily my decision was made, I reached for the doorknob with a shaking hand.
With a pounding heart and no regret,
I slowly turned the knob of my chosen door,
the one less used,

and to borrow words from Mr. Frost,
that has made all the difference.

~Mark Schutter ©2015

By Michal Osmenda from Brussels, Belgium (blue and red doors Uploaded by russavia) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
By Michal Osmenda from Brussels, Belgium (blue and red doors Uploaded by russavia) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Writing

Two Roads…

20150107_114611_1[1]When faced with this choice which one will you choose?

I have been home and holed up a lot this past week fighting the dreaded flu bug.  Truth be told I have felt miserable most of the time and not up to doing much of anything, especially writing.  I am finally starting to slowly feel better.  However, the down time has given me a chance to do a lot of thinking, when I wasn’t wallowing in my depths of self-pity over how sick I felt. 🙂

I have watched a lot of Netflix during this time including the movie “The Way” by Emilio Estevez and starring Martin Sheen.  If you haven’t seen it I would highly recommend it.  I won’t spoil it for you except to say it is about a father who walks the pilgrimage of the “El camino de Santiago“. There is one quote from the beginning of the movie I would like to share.

“You don’t choose a life, you live it.”

The past two days I have lost my voice, I can barely get out a scratchy whisper :).  This also has helped me to only say what is truth and not just fill the air with the rambling sounds of my own voice.  I turned 50 years old last August and over the past 6 months several different opportunities and choices could would most definitely take me in new directions.  A chance to truly live and to make a difference in the lives others and my family.  As C.S Lewis said,

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”

I have fears about the choices road that I will be taking.  Mostly about what others might think, especially those closest to me.  It will be an adventure outside the 8-5 work day inside an office building but one that I believe God has set before me and my family.  More to come about that I am sure as things develop and God leads. I originally wrote a blog about this opportunity last August titled “Healing the Brokenhearted”.

I want more from life than just living to making a living and survive to the weekend.  So in this journey of my life, two roads have now diverged in the wood and I am choosing to take the one less traveled by, what about you?

When faced with this choice previously which did you choice?  How has that choice(s) impacted your life?  Do you have any regrets, wishing  you had made  a different choice?