Finding Hope Again!

#JustBelieve #HopeLives #GodChangesPeople

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This Moment

The quiet all around was loud inside my head. I felt a sense of expectancy in the air.
The breeze off the lake contained a chill but was bearable after the heat of the day. The small waves pushed by the breeze lapped against the gravel-laden shoreline. The boardwalk was empty this early evening. The boards running vertically beneath our feet showed the signs of the many footsteps of those who had walked along this path and were well worn.
The diffused evening light cast an ethereal glow settled over the landscape as the sun touched the horizon. The ground to both sides of the wooden boardwalk was stark white bleached white from the powerful desert sun. The winds that blew over that had stripped the earth bare leaving it barren and void of life except for a few sparse trees that struggled for survival in the dry parched dirt.
We walked silently, me with my hands pushed deep into my pockets and her pushing her bike forward hands firmly on the grips and face a mask devoid of emotion. The sleeves of my white shirt rolled up to my elbows and I could feel the flapping of the shirttails in the wind as we walked. Her white summer dress hung loosely on her young body a stark contrast to her brown olive skin. The lack of color in our clothes matched the landscape as if we were a part of it.
Looking inland away from the lake, I could see the far distance parking lot where the last stragglers of the day were returning to their vehicles. Headed where I had no idea, I only knew that they had somewhere to go. The loneliness settled over me like a shroud as my steps faltered and the sun sank its lower half now hidden below the horizon.
Catching my stumble out of the corner of her eye, she knew better than to ask how I was. Instead, she simply stated,
“I am tired.”
“I know sweetie.”
I replied as I quickly regained my balance and told myself she had not seen my misstep, nor knew the reason why. However, deep down I knew that she knew. She always seemed to know. Her understanding empathy, the ability that came so naturally to her and guided her actions was far beyond her young years. As we continued to walk, she said.
“I just want to sleep, all the time.”
“It’s okay. I get it. If that’s what you need then that’s okay.”
The silence then settled around us again as we moved forward. We strode onward as if drawn by some invisible force that neither of us could deny. I knew she was tired and worn out, even without her earlier comment still echoing in my head. My heart ached knowing I was powerless to stop the pain. I still found it hard to admit, even to myself, the conclusion I knew was inevitable and unavoidable.
Life is hard and for her to learn this at such a young age seemed so unfair. My anger over the injustice I perceived burned however; the sadness and longing overshadowed it like the darkness. I looked across the lake at the exact moment the last of the huge golden orb of the sun sank beyond the horizon into the undiscovered. Melodies of grace erupted in my head in songs of redemption and a belief in a light that will one day overcome the darkness. As quickly as the feelings rose, they disappeared as the despair again wrapped its arms around me choking off my breath.
I felt so helpless and alone. My life slipping from my grasp and everything I held dear. We continued to walk in silence, comfortable together in our solitude. Over the past few days, I had watched, as she grew weaker and I hated the fact that my little girl’s strength was quickly fading and I knew the end was near.
The words came from where I do not know and spilled out of my mouth in a cry of anguish.
“I miss her.”
“I do too daddy.”
“God, I miss your momma.”
We stopped walking and the bike lay on its side where she had let if fall. Picking her up I held her close feeling her wet check against mine our tears mingled together as they ran down our faces. Her arms tightly squeezed my neck in defiance of tomorrow and yesterday, for this moment was all we had.

©Mark W. Schutter 2018

Often this moment is all we really have, don’t miss it. ~M

#JustBelieve #HopeLives #LoveChangesPeople

This Moment

It’s Still All Shit (Part 2) – And the World Moves On

A while back I posted a blog titled Searching… it’s all shit!

Well, the thought occurred to me as I have watched the autumn weather change from the overcast of gray clouds, to blowing winds and sideways rain, to the rainfall suddenly stopping and the clouds breaking to reveal splotches of blue beyond the gray curtain. Then snow, really snow, which quickly changed back to drizzling rain.

Before the sunshine slowly peaks out playing hide and seek, then disappears and the sky again began dumping buckets of raindrops the size of marbles and then back again to clear skies of forever blue and bright sunshine. Over and over, it does repeat, round and round it goes as the world moves on and it’s still all shit!

We cannot be everything that everybody wants us to be!

Hell, sometimes we cannot even be what we want to be!

These fears haunt me invading my dreams while I sleep and taunt me from the moment I wake, never leaving me alone. These voices in my head that scream condemnation walk beside me each day.

There are doors swinging open and opportunities that beckon and yet… I am so confused. The ideas and possibilities swirl around me in a chaos of hurricane winds and in flashes of lightning that carve the midnight sky, leaving me tired.

Does anyone care?

I silently scream. While I sit here quietly and watch the seconds tick slowly by, distracted by nothing and everything all at the same time.

My thoughts are a mess; my heart skips beats to a rhythm only it can hear as I wonder at the absurdity of it all. There is no choice but to embrace the only absurd choice that is available.

  • Do I dare? Would you?
  • Do I have the courage? Do you?

To believe in hope, when our faith as small as a wisp of smoke. A single light far off in the dark that is all. A small thing that keeps me going before my hearts stops beating, while I keep hearing the banging sounds of drums repeating.

The world has gone mad, each person, each mother’s son, everyone!

There is hate and evil, remorse and regret, an eternal tag team we meet to do battle in the ring of our hearts. This ugliness and fear seek to devour our souls, as cruelties unfold.

  • Mercy
  • Grace
  • Faith
  • Hope
  • Love

Are all that can stand against!

Our lives’ are brief, as memories linger, and the finality of death overshadows the past. Nothing makes sense. Our memories of yesterday are quickly gone, replaced by the tragedies seared into our brains through social media and the six o’clock news.

We need a lifeline, a belief in a hope that does not disappoint. Future memories of what could be, we see a light in the dark, a beacon of hope, and a reason to go on.

For if we do not, the world will move on and we will find ourselves repeating the refrain, “It’s all still shit!”

#JustBelieve #Hope Lives #LoveChangesPeople

Still Searching

“Still Searching” The Palouse of Southwestern Washington Mark Schutter ©2017