I wrote this post with tears behind my eyes. Although they were wide open I squeezed them tight so that no one can see and nothing leaks out that would give away my feelings. Yes, I am hiding, but also writing. A frenzy of emotional free writing.
I am angry! I am sad! I am frustrated and …
My stomach is in knots, my muscles are tense. I feel the passion surging inside of me and I am afraid of it spilling out into a fit of rage. While my mind spins with questions that have no answers, for I long ago learned there are none.
Triggers come in all sorts of ways. A voice, a song, a memory, a word.
Maybe it’s just me as I read posts on social media encouraging others to ‘copy and paste’ in honor or remembrance of something or someone. Especially in honor of someone who is battling or has lost a battle with cancer with the hashtag #cancersucks or something.
This is my story, my reality and my life.
I lost someone to cancer many years ago and yes cancer sucks. Not a day goes by that something doesn’t remind me of her. When she died, she left a hole in my heart. I watched the traditional treatments wreck and devastate her body, mind and spirit. And in the end, it did nothing to prolong her life nor improve the quality of her life.
So, yes, I am jaded.
My experience may be vastly different from others. Yet, this is my story, not theirs and this is my voice that is screaming in the silence of unanswered questions. Nighttime skies as dark as death where stars twinkle on unconcerned and the cold vastness reveals no measure of comfort to assuage my pain and longing.
Posting in honor of someone, does nothing. Really, that’s the best you can do?
Be careful with your words, your images, your pictures and posts you share. Everyone experiences things differently. Triggers! No two people experience life in exactly the same way. There is no comfort in false words of hope and solace. We toss around platitudes like confetti in the wind, left to fall and be carried where they will. With no thought of those on the receiving end, intentional or not, will catch the true meaning of our hearts.
Yes, I am bitter. Yes, I am … hell I don’t know what I am.
I do know that I am strong and this will not defeat me. I will bang a drum for those we have lost and never assume to understand someone else’s experience and pain. For I never would expect the two to be the same. #JustBelieve #HopeLives
We carry the pain, the heartache and the loneliness of choices not taken and decisions gone wrong. However, we made the best decision we could at the time.
Let it go, do not drag the weight of regret through your life. Do what you can, no matter how small, and know that in the end that is enough.
And remember > You are enough!
“I wanna know, will you remember me when forever comes and goes?”
We have all made promises to do this or that. Promises we swore we would keep forever.
In the end forever comes and goes.
We are left alone, holding onto the empty promises made by others. Or perhaps we broke our own promises with our own hands.
Either way, I believe the question remains that haunts each of us.
Will you remember me?
I see the twinkling of the stars,
but I do not hear them sing.
I see the rustling of the leaves,
but I do not feel the wind.
I see the parting of the clouds,
but I do not dare enter in.
I hold a smooth stone in my hands,
but I only feel the pain.
I hold a dream close to my heart,
but I only see it fading.
I hold memories of yesterday,
but I only let them go
….slipping from my hands.
~Mark Schutter ©2016
He stumbled forward into the cold night. Overcast and dreary, the sleet pounded down relentlessly. Oh how long since he had seen the sun he wondered silently to himself as he walked.
His mind was as numb as his exposed fingers in the cold night air. Yet, still the soft singular voice of her continued to sing that same song over and over in his mind. Thoughts of those long summer days spent in Saskatoon would haunt him like a specter for the rest of his life.
It was a special time long ago with little static to cloud his thoughts or life. Now his life was surrounded by seemingly endless dark and steep climbs. The ambient sounds of the night, he barely noticed until filling the cold empty air all around him was the steadily barking of a dog.
As he looked up the last thing he saw was the large Siberian husky as it leapt from the shadows. He was knocked to the ground and the dog was on top of him in an instant. He screamed as the large furry dog began licking his face with vigor, its tail wagging furiously.
As the sound of his scream faded into the night, a slow smile spread across his face. He lay silently not feeling the cold earth beneath him as the he let the warmth of love wash over him.
~Mark Schutter ©2015
This short story was written during a 5 minute free write using the words in bold above. This occurred during a meeting of the lunch time writing group at my workplace. I have to admit, I did edit a bit while typing it in the blog post, yet easily 95% is from free writing. Hope you enjoyed it!