Life, memoir, Stories

Revisiting Chapter 9 – Wearing Masks- “Who Are We Really?”

What hides behind the smiles and the vacant eyes? Aren’t we tired of wearing masks? — Mark Wayne, Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry #Memoir #Grief #Healing #LifeAfter #Tramua https://amzn.to/3kdR49E

Chapter 9, Wearing Masks – “Who Are We Really?” is the beginning chapter of Part 2: Embracing the Present of my memoir Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry.

This chapter bounces from the recent present, to the fall of 2004 when my only child was born, and back to the summer of 1993 in the months following Luka’s death. The questions I pose throughout this chapter still remain to this day, although many have lost much of their roar and ferocity simply by the act of naming them and casting them out into the world through my memoir. And there is this…

Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. ~C.S. Lewis #Quote #WickedQuestions #UnanswerableQuestions

Life is filled with unanswered and unanswerable questions and life seems so random at times. But what if there was a purpose of something larger than ourselves. how would we then live? The questions that haunt our waking hours would slowly melt away and others might rise to take there place.

  • God, what are you up to in all of this?
  • What is my true role in all of this?
  • What is my impact on others?
  • How can I … (fill in the blank)

Just a few questions that I have pondered as I walk this path set before me. As opposed to the why me questions, that still pop up from time to time. Pulling on my boots and moving forward because sometimes when you can you should.

I plodded through my days, often feigning a reluctant acceptance because, you know, cowboys don’t cry; they just ride away.

CHAPTER 9, WEARING MASKS – “WHO ARE WE REALLY?” – PAGE 85, MARK W. SCHUTTER

Read my thoughts on Part 1 – Reconciling the Past and the first eight chapters of my memoir, links below.

Grief, Poetry, Stories, Writing

Separate Journeys – Why Do We Bury Our Fears?

A short excerpt from my upcoming memoir ‘Cowboys Are Not Supposed To Cry to be published by Christian Faith Publishing in spring of 2021 (emphasis below added).

“I only want her to not be in pain.”

He looked at me with a look of both sadness and resignation, his voice low and measured, “That is what I am focused on.”

I nodded in agreement, and he turned and walked away. I watched him stride down the hall his white lab coat flaying out at his sides. Standing for a moment alone, I collected myself midst the noise of the corridor.

Forcing myself to turn, I slowly walked back into the hospital room. I plastered a smile on my face and buried the fear so far down where I believed it could never be unearthed.

~Mark Wayne ©2020

What have you buried?

What if it were to be found?

Poetry

Hiding

As we enter the second week of 2015, I have found myself hiding. Hiding from the world, from family, from friends and even from myself. One of my last posts from 2014 was a poem and video about being tired of wearing masks, hiding my true self from others. I want freedom and even intimate transparency, even though it scares me so much.

My desires have waned over the years and now it feels like it is time to step out from hiding. I still have no idea where I am going in 2015 or what I will be doing. In other words I have no goals or resolutions at least not yet. 🙂  More to come on that I am sure.

There are forces at work in my life and I feel myself being lead back but to what, I do not know. So here is the first post of the new year so buckle up and enjoy the ride! For who knows where the road may take us and the adventure that awaits! ~M

In the shadows
Darkness resides
In the shadows
Evil hides
Hiding within
Hiding without
Hiding in plain sight
Hiding..
Choosing not to see
Frozen steams
Rivers of ice
Memories dream
Hiding from
Hiding out
Hiding in plain sight
Hiding…
Pain we feel
Lost meaning
Words ring hollow
Fates careening
Hiding down
Hiding up
Hiding in plain sight
Hiding…
Masked in smiles
Invisible breath
Long lilting miles
Courting death
We spend our days
Hiding
As love decays
While we are hiding

~Mark Schutter ©2015 image