Tag: God

God, Grief, memoir, Writing

Revisiting Chapter 11 – Not Wanting to Be Alive

Mark Wayne
Things happen… and thank God some don’t.

This chapter was easy for me write because I remember each detail from almost 30 years ago vividly, even now, months after my memoir has been published.

Yet, this was the hardest chapter for me to include in the book. Because I tell the story of the closest I came to committing suicide after Luka’s death.

The gun was in my hand, my finger on the trigger, the end of the round barrel pressing a circle into the skin of my right temple.

Not wanting to be alive is not the same as thing as wanting to be dead. ~Megan Devine, ๐ผ๐‘ก’๐‘  ๐‘‚๐‘˜๐‘Ž๐‘ฆ ๐‘‡โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘Œ๐‘œ๐‘ข’๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ก ๐‘‚๐‘˜๐‘Ž๐‘ฆ

I had survived the crash that totaled our Ford Bronco and killed our dog, only spending one night in the hospital. But the unrelenting heartache I felt far exceeded the physical pain from the 37 stitches in my head and the skin grafts on the back of my left hand. I didn’t want to go on.

There seemed no way out, nor through for me at that time. I only wanted it all to end. I hadn’t thought seriously about committing suicide until the moment I found myself with the pistol in my hand.

Sure the thought had crossed my mind but only in fleeting moments and I prayed most nights before falling asleep that God would take me before I awoke.

Some force beyond me stayed my hand and my mind in the moments as my finger tightened on the trigger. I call it God. My life and his purpose for me was not complete yet.

I knew the loss would never go away, and no matter what I did to fill the empty spaces, her absence would always be permanent.

CHAPTER 11, NOT WANTING TO BE ALIVE โ€“ PAGE 104, MARK W. SCHUTTER

Now, so many years later I think about how that one act would have changed everything that was and nothing would be as it is. I carry the burden… and so we move forward with hope, with strength, and belief.

Get your copy of Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry  >

And a review on Amazon or Goodreads would be very much appreciated.  Thanks again! ๐Ÿ‘Š

Read my thoughts on previous chapters of my memoir, links below.

Part 1 โ€“ Reconciling the Past

Part 2 โ€“ Embracing the Present

> If you are struggling with moving forward following a loss and searching for your best โ€œlife afterโ€, let me know. Leave a comment or email me at info@markschutter.com,

Iโ€™ll follow up with some additional information and how to book a free 15 minute call to see if I can help. Thanks!

I am Mark W. Schutter, Grief Coach and Author of the memoir ๐‚๐จ๐ฐ๐›๐จ๐ฒ๐ฌ ๐€๐ซ๐ž ๐๐จ๐ญ ๐’๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐จ๐ฌ๐ž๐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐‚๐ซ๐ฒ, and we all need a little support sometimes.

God, Life

Do You Feel It?

Mark Wayne

๐ƒ๐จ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐Ÿ๐ž๐ž๐ฅ ๐ข๐ญ? ๐Ÿค”

His spirit, the power of justice and courage will fill you if you seek him.

He is a rewarder of those who seek him and everyone who calls upon his name will be saved.

๐‘พ๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’‚๐’ƒ๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’š๐’๐’–? โค๐Ÿค”

If you are struggling with moving forward following a loss and searching for your best “life after”, let me know. Leave a comment or email me atย info@markschutter.com, Iโ€™ll follow up with them with some additional information and how to book a 15 minute call to see if I can help.

> Thanks! I am Mark Schutter, Grief Coach for men and author of the memoir ‘Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry’
God, Life, Writing

Death has always been a big deal!

Mark Wayne
Photo taken at Old West Village – Cody, Wyoming

Death has always been a big deal! #Grief #Trauma #LifeAfter

There are hundreds of bible verses about death, promising a blessed hope after this life. We joke, we ignore, and we trivialize death at every turn. If our physical death is inevitable for each of us why do we so often refuse to acknowledge it?

For centuries throughout history, death has always been a big deal… after a person has died. Ornate ceremonies and trappings to celebrate the life of the one who has died. Fancy carriages like the one above, now hearses, that carry the dead body towards a final resting place. Coffins that are spectacular in their craftmanship that only serve to rot in the ground or burn up in the fire.

  • And the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. ~Ecclesiastes 12:7
  • For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. ~Romans 14:8
  • And everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this? ~John 11:26
  • The last enemy to be destroyed is death. ~1 Corinthians 15:26
  • Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. ~Matthew 5:4

These are only but a few of the many bible verses about death. It is coming for all of us. Do you believe in the one who conquered death?

The only one who died and rose again was and is Jesus Christ.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. ~John 3:16

Have you placed your trust and faith in him? Death is coming for us all, what then?

Jesus said to him, โ€œI am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” ~John 14:6

God, Grief, Life, Writing

Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry – A Memoir

Mark Wayne

๐‘จ๐’๐’… ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐‘ฉ๐’†๐’”๐’• ๐‘ป๐’‰๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’€๐’๐’– ๐‘ช๐’‚๐’ ๐‘ซ๐’ ๐’˜๐’Š๐’•๐’‰ ๐‘ซ๐’†๐’‚๐’•๐’‰ ๐‘ฐ๐’” ๐’•๐’ ๐‘น๐’Š๐’…๐’† ๐’๐’‡๐’‡ ๐’‡๐’“๐’๐’Ž ๐’Š๐’•?

So excited, I received the first physical copies of my memoir and upcoming book today! ๐Ÿ‘Š

Shows me, the author, holding the first physical copy of my upcoming memoir - Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry
First physical copy of my upcoming book! (8/11/2021)

Thank you Jesus, and my family, and friends for all the love and support, and my publisher Christian Faith Publishing. The story of my journey carrying grief and healing will be soon be available. I pray it blesses and helps others dealing with the pain of loss.

๐‘จ๐’๐’… ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐‘ฉ๐’†๐’”๐’• ๐‘ป๐’‰๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’€๐’๐’– ๐‘ช๐’‚๐’ ๐‘ซ๐’ ๐’˜๐’Š๐’•๐’‰ ๐‘ซ๐’†๐’‚๐’•๐’‰ ๐‘ฐ๐’” ๐’•๐’ ๐‘น๐’Š๐’…๐’† ๐’๐’‡๐’‡ ๐’‡๐’“๐’๐’Ž ๐’Š๐’•? #CowboysAreNotSupposedtoCry #Memoir #UpcomingBook #WritersLife #WickedQuestions

#LiveYourDreams – Exodus 15:3

Watch for a soon to be announced release date and opportunities to be part of the launch team!! This is how my story begins.

“๐€๐ฌ ๐ˆ ๐ฅ๐จ๐จ๐ค ๐›๐š๐œ๐ค ๐จ๐ฏ๐ž๐ซ ๐ฆ๐ฒ ๐ฅ๐ข๐Ÿ๐ž,โ€ฆ”

God, Life

A Wicked Question

Mark Wayne

We claim to love, we claim to care, and we claim to… well, whatever it is.

And if we are honest with ourselves how often do we fail?

I know in my case I find myself loving others how I think they should and need to be loved assuming it is all good and right. Do I ever ask them?

And what about God? I often run around trying to please him when maybe all he wants is for me to spend time with him?

Now go and learn what this means:

โ€˜I desire compassion, rather than sacrifice,โ€™

for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.โ€

Matthew 9:13 NASB2020

#LoveLanguage #LiveYourDreams

Adventure, God, Poetry, Writing

Carrying Swords

Mark Wayne

Sometimes life just is.

Sometimes there are no answers.

Sometimes all we can do is…

  • Believe
  • Be faithful
  • Stand strong
  • Cherish the time
  • Choose to trust
  • Have mercy
  • Love

For in the end it is often not the weapon we chose to carry that defeats our enemy. Within our heart and soul a true warrior carries the Sword of the Spirit that forever is able to vanquish our enemies, in the name of Yeshua!

Yahuah is a warrior; Yahuah is His name.

Exodus 15:3
God, Life

Living the Paradox

Mark Wayne

We live in the paradox of our existence. Our world is small compared to the universe. Even in comparison to our planet that revolves around the sun here in this little corner of the galaxy. There is so much unexplored and unknown, both out there and within the human heart. And yet, we have eternal significance and worth just as we are to a sovereign and holy god. Do you believe that?

And what are we to make of that? #MondayBlogs #MondayQuestions #MondayMotivation #YouMatter #JustBelieve