God, Grief, memoir, Writing

Revisiting Chapter 11 – Not Wanting to Be Alive

Things happen… and thank God some don’t.

This chapter was easy for me write because I remember each detail from almost 30 years ago vividly, even now, months after my memoir has been published.

Yet, this was the hardest chapter for me to include in the book. Because I tell the story of the closest I came to committing suicide after Luka’s death.

The gun was in my hand, my finger on the trigger, the end of the round barrel pressing a circle into the skin of my right temple.

Not wanting to be alive is not the same as thing as wanting to be dead. ~Megan Devine, ๐ผ๐‘ก’๐‘  ๐‘‚๐‘˜๐‘Ž๐‘ฆ ๐‘‡โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘Œ๐‘œ๐‘ข’๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ก ๐‘‚๐‘˜๐‘Ž๐‘ฆ

I had survived the crash that totaled our Ford Bronco and killed our dog, only spending one night in the hospital. But the unrelenting heartache I felt far exceeded the physical pain from the 37 stitches in my head and the skin grafts on the back of my left hand. I didn’t want to go on.

There seemed no way out, nor through for me at that time. I only wanted it all to end. I hadn’t thought seriously about committing suicide until the moment I found myself with the pistol in my hand.

Sure the thought had crossed my mind but only in fleeting moments and I prayed most nights before falling asleep that God would take me before I awoke.

Some force beyond me stayed my hand and my mind in the moments as my finger tightened on the trigger. I call it God. My life and his purpose for me was not complete yet.

I knew the loss would never go away, and no matter what I did to fill the empty spaces, her absence would always be permanent.

CHAPTER 11, NOT WANTING TO BE ALIVE โ€“ PAGE 104, MARK W. SCHUTTER

Now, so many years later I think about how that one act would have changed everything that was and nothing would be as it is. I carry the burden… and so we move forward with hope, with strength, and belief.

Get your copy of Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry  >

And a review on Amazon or Goodreads would be very much appreciated.  Thanks again! ๐Ÿ‘Š

Read my thoughts on previous chapters of my memoir, links below.

Part 1 โ€“ Reconciling the Past

Part 2 โ€“ Embracing the Present

> If you are struggling with moving forward following a loss and searching for your best โ€œlife afterโ€, let me know. Leave a comment or email me at info@markschutter.com,

Iโ€™ll follow up with some additional information and how to book a free 15 minute call to see if I can help. Thanks!

I am Mark W. Schutter, Grief Coach and Author of the memoir ๐‚๐จ๐ฐ๐›๐จ๐ฒ๐ฌ ๐€๐ซ๐ž ๐๐จ๐ญ ๐’๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐จ๐ฌ๐ž๐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐‚๐ซ๐ฒ, and we all need a little support sometimes.

God, Grief, memoir

Upcoming Live Events This Week!

I have the distinct pleasure and honor to be the guest on two different live video chats this week, Wednesday and Thursday evening talking about grief, my book, Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry, faith, the occult, and other things. ๐Ÿ˜‰

The Reclamation Project with Collene James on Through the Black (TtB)

Unveiling the Paranormal with Shawn Carter on YouTube

If you can’t join live, be sure to catch the replay’s and let me know what you think.

PS โ€“ You can read more of my story of grief, loss, healing and life after in my memoirย Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry, available on many online platforms. I use my experience to coach others struggling with grief and moving forward from loss, let me know and weโ€™ll schedule a 15 minute intro call to see if I can help. God bless, ~M

Grief, memoir, Writing

Revisiting Chapter 7 – I Am the One Dying

To begin this chapter I share a dream I had some years previous that had I never shared with anyone before it found its way into my memoir, ๐‚๐จ๐ฐ๐›๐จ๐ฒ๐ฌ ๐€๐ซ๐ž ๐๐จ๐ญ ๐’๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐จ๐ฌ๐ž๐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐‚๐ซ๐ฒ. I am still quite honestly surprised that I shared the dream unedited. ๐Ÿ˜‰

“I do not understand?” he questioned her, fighting to quell his surprise and rage that was growing.

“No, you do not,” she stated simply, still not looking at him as they continued to walk.

The words hung in the air as she paused before taking a breath. He watched her as she continued to look straight ahead, staring off into the distance as she calmly added in a tone of finality,

“I am the one dying.”

CHAPTER 7, I AM THE ONE DYING, PAGE 71 – MARK W. SCHUTTER

Thus ended the dream from which I awoke my heart pounding. There is much more detail to the dream that is revealed in my memoir. If you haven’t purchased my book, go buy a print or e-book copy on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or iTunes (shameless self-promotion! ๐Ÿ˜‰).

Have you ever had a dream from which you wonder at it’s meaning, even as you know there is truth spoken in the dream? Luka’s comment in the dream that she was the one dying definitely spoke a truth that I was unwilling to acknowledge while she was alive. I often found myself denying the truth and unwilling to face the reality of her illness.

Yet, I hope I am wiser now and realizing that we are all traveling different roads. Our roads will parallel and cross over others at times but ultimately we each must journey alone into the alone.

The words hung in the air as she paused before taking a breath. He watched her as she continued to look straight ahead, staring off into the distance as she calmly added in a tone of finality, “๐™„ ๐™–๐™ข ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™ค๐™ฃ๐™š ๐™™๐™ฎ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ.”

CHAPTER 7, I AM THE ONE DYING, PAGE 71 – MARK W. SCHUTTER, Cowboys Are Not Supposed to Cry

Why is it such surprising news when we know that each one of us will face dying, both our own and that of ones we love.

Grief, memoir, Writing

What Grief Are You Still Carrying?

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. ~Matthew 5:4

Hello friends!

Been absent for awhile just allowing the mud to settle if you will so I can see a little bit more clearly. Spending time with God in prayer and just being silent.

Lots of grief coming up lately that has been heavy on my heart. Both from the past and the current situation.

I am realizing more and more that after almost 29 years I am still carrying my grief. And really that’s ok. My grief and longing over what was lost and might have been can, and does, exist right alongside my joy and peace.

I mourn and I am comforted. I grieve and I am blessed.

What are your thoughts? ๐Ÿค”

What grief are you still carrying? Tell my I am listening. #WickedQuestions

And if you stayed with me and read this far thank you. If you would leave me a comment or even just a ๐Ÿ‘Š, ๐Ÿ‘, โค or whatever so I know I am not alone.

Thanks again and I pray each of you is blessed. ๐Ÿ™

PS – You can still get a copy of my memoir, ๐˜พ๐™ค๐™ฌ๐™—๐™ค๐™ฎ๐™จ ๐˜ผ๐™ง๐™š ๐™‰๐™ค๐™ฉ ๐™Ž๐™ช๐™ฅ๐™ฅ๐™ค๐™จ๐™š๐™™ ๐™ฉ๐™ค ๐˜พ๐™ง๐™ฎ, either print or e-book at the following:

Thanks for the support and a review on Amazon or Goodreads is always appreciated! ๐Ÿ‘Š

Grief, Life, memoir, Writing

Revisiting Chapter 3 – Walking Away

Sometimes you have to walk away…

Chapter 3 began taking shape in my mind following a conversation with my therapist. As usual we were discussing Luka’s death and the impacts on me, when I mentioned that in the moments after she died. I spoke about remembering standing by her bedside where she lay. Thinking to myself, there was nothing else I could do. I had to and needed to walk away. Yet, I stayed for several moments by her bedside.

I knew I needed to walk away. To turn from this lifeless body that lay in front of me that had held my whole world. There was nothing left for me to do for her.

I recall my therapist staring at me in silence for several seconds before he spoke softly. “It’s interesting in all my experience you are the first person to talk about that. I mean we talk about the death and then we jump to the funeral proceedings and all the logistical things around death. No one has ever mentioned before, those moments immediately following someone dying and what those left behind have to do.”

I swallowed hard and responded, “Yeah, her death was peaceful and calm but then what? I stood there, knowing she was dead and then realizing that was it. I had to turn away from everything I knew and walk away, leaving her there alone. That was hard.”

I don’t recall if I thought about all those things that would never be again or just the among of willpower it took to move my feet and leave her behind. Our time together in the physical world was done.

“Time together was the only thing, just being with her, sitting talking, watching movies, and holding her hand, so many things that I now believe may have helped her breathe a little easier in those moments.”

CHAPTER 3, WALKING AWAY, PAGE 40 – MARK W. SCHUTTER

There would be no more talks, no more movies, no more time together. Only the memories of what once was. I still carry those memories, nothing can take them away, although the edges of my memory may have frayed and faded a bit. That is just time eroding what once was. I was heading towards my 29th birthday…

“I was lost at sea with on wind in my sails. I had the freedom to do, to be, to go anywhere I wanted, and I did not want that freedom. I was free to walk away. How do you reconcile that?”

CHAPTER 3. WALKING AWAY, PAGE 42 – MARK W. SCHUTTER

Here are links to my thoughts and revisits of Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.

Order your copy today, and one or two or threeโ€ฆ as a gift for some else who is struggling, 

You can also contact me here on my website to purchase signed copies.

PAY IT FORWARD!

Grief, Life, memoir, Stories, Writing

Pay it Forward – Will You Purpose to Commit Intentional Acts of Kindness?

Signed copies of my memoir being packaged for delivery!

There is still time to order your own copy and one or two or three… as a gift for some else in time for the holidays. PAY IT FORWARD! ๐Ÿ‘Š Available in print and e-book.

You can also reach out to me here on my website to purchase signed copies. Here’s some comments I have received from readers –

  • Your story touched my heart in more ways than I can even explain. Even though it triggered a lot of sadness and emotions it also gave me hope.
  • Just finished the first chapter of your book and I must tell you how beautiful your words are. You have such an amazing gift. Thank you for sharingโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ
  • I will have to say I have never read a book like yours before. I read a lot! I do want to tell you that this book is absolutely amazing. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

There is always hope of ‘life after…” and hope is never a small thing. #CowboysAreNotsupposedtoCry #Memoir #Grief #Healing #Trauma #LifeAfter https://www.amzn.com/1639031022 

Grief, Life, memoir, Writing

Are You Shopping On – Cyber Monday 2021?

Get a jump on Cyber Monday and here’s an idea, my memoir! >

AmazonBarnes and Noble iTunes

A great little gift for yourself or someone you love. A story of love, loss, and carrying grief midst the expectations of men who are struggling to heal from trauma. A story for men who have suffered pain and the women who love them.

Reviews:

“Like John Maxwell, OG Mandino, Simon Sinek, Brene Brown etc. and your book is absolutely right up there with those authors. The questions, they style, the literary techniques and your heart and soul you poured into it – I truly didn’t want to put it down and looked forward to reading more.” ~Caleb K.

“This will help so many people out there who are struggling with grief and it’s inevitable storm cloud of trauma. This book reveals that some things stay with you forever, eternally scarred, and that’s okay. Sometimes you need to cry, and be able to express the rawness of grief, and that’s okay.” ~Charis S.

“Such a beautiful, inspiring narrative of love, grief, strength and vulnerability . I highly recommend this book. A must read for those who have lost a loved one or who just need to be reminded that there is great love and hope in this world.” ~Nicole M.

“This is a great book for anyone who is experiencing grief. Markโ€™s story is one of love, sadness and pain but also of hope and is inspiring to someone currently experiencing similar pain and stuck in grief of the death of someone we loved so dearly.” ~Kristi W.

“It isn’t a self help book, telling you how to feel, what to think and how to act. It isn’t going to tell you how to fix yourself or how to move on with life.ย This is a beautiful memoir of just that, gut wrenching reality and the beauty behind true grief. Mark shares his story, without hiding the truth, the ugly side of grief.” ~Carri S.

“This book goes where few are willing. The author shares deeply painful and personal experiences and memories. It celebrates the power of unconditional love and brings to light the brutality of death. It is a must read for all who have loved and lost as well as a beautiful reminder that there is always hope.” ~Teresa S.

“This book is so wonderfully written. When you read this book you can almost feel the emotions of the author. I hope anyone who has lost a love one will consider reading this book .” ~Bobbie L.

Order your copy now and one as a gift for someone who is hurting!

Life, memoir

I’ve Got 2 Days to Find This, Help!

Yes, it’s the week of Thanksgiving in the US. As we scramble for things needed for Thursday’s meal I have been unable to locate this at any of the stores. It is highly needed to make our turkey dinner the best it can be. ๐Ÿฆƒ It’s ‘flavor fresh!’

Anyone know where I can purchase this item? ๐Ÿค”Thanks in advance!

And don’t forget my memoir ๐˜พ๐™ค๐™ฌ๐™—๐™ค๐™ฎ๐™จ ๐˜ผ๐™ง๐™š ๐™‰๐™ค๐™ฉ ๐™Ž๐™ช๐™ฅ๐™ฅ๐™ค๐™จ๐™š๐™™ ๐™ฉ๐™ค ๐˜พ๐™ง๐™ฎ is available on Amazon as well as other online retailers!

If you are hurting or know some one who is this would make a great present I reckon. Just saying!๐Ÿ‘Š

There is ‘life after…’

Life, memoir, Writing

Are you receiving my NEWSLETTER?

I have sent out my most recent newsletter just today and it can be viewed here.

It is a great way to keep up to date and be one of the first to hear about exciting events and happenings. My memoir is now available in both print and e-book formats.

Purchase your copy here:

Amazon > https://www.amzn.com/1639031022

Barnes and Noble > https://www.bn.com/s/9781639031023

I have some exciting changes coming up and new opportunities that I will be sharing. So, let’s start the conversation about

“Life after…”